American Horror Story, the anthology series that swept the nation last year returns with its second season tonight at 10pm on FX. When series creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchek (creators of Glee, The New Normal, andNip/Tuck) announced mid-way through last season that every season of the show would feature a completely new story, the decision seemed like a logical way for the show to continue its twists and penchant for murdering characters without getting stale and repetitive. Tonight’s episode begins a season that no longer focuses on the Harmon’s haunted house but instead on a New England-based insane asylum in the 60’s, or so we’ve heard, because it’s not like anyone bothered sending us a screener.
Retitled American Horror Story: Asylum, a fact Electronic Hearth can only glean from commercials and not the actual episode, tonight’s episode appears to feature an insane asylum and more Jessica Lange, but to be perfectly honest we can’t verify any of that because we haven’t even seen the episode. Tonight’s episode likely sets up this season of the show and very well may feature the introductions of Ralph Fiennes’ and Adam Levine’s characters, but, again, no one over at FX sent us the episode, treating as if we are some god damned second-rate television review website and not your premier stop for advance reviews.
The titular asylum of the season is Briarcliff, something that I had to read about in an Entertainment Weekly review like some sort of fucking civilian and not in a self-addressed screener like we get for every other show. It features ghosts (maybe) and definitely some sexualized violence, but we have absolutely no clue what else because apparently the fucking AVClub got the first four episodes of the season while Electronic Hearth got absolutely none because I guess that’s fair?
Jessica Lange is trading in her southern belle from last season and instead playing a New England-accented nun, and is probably still the only good part about the show, but who the hell really knows for sure? Oh that’s right, every other television review website that the assholes over at FX deemed worthy of their precious show. There is probably a lot of interesting and creepy but ultimately hollow imagery just like last season, but we only know that because we saw a subway ad with an all-white nun bleeding black out of her eyes. Would we be able to tell you more about the episode had we actually seen it? Why yes, of course we could. Tell FX that. Better yet, mail Rupert Murdoch directly and ask why his conglomeration is so insistent upon keeping Electronic Hearth down. Oh wait, you don’t have to BECAUSE HE’S PROBABLY HACKING YOUR FUCKING EMAILS ANYWAY.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled. It’s just we try so hard with this site, but there are a lot of shows, you know? Advance screeners help keep us up to date, and it just hurts like so much when The Huffington God Damned Post gets to see TV before we do. We probably could have written a really good review about tonight’s episode. It would have been super insightful and knowledgeable. I watched and read One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest in preparation. I had this whole thing prepared to talk about the dangers of prescription drugs. I had myself committed this summer into Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital for three months so I could relate to the characters, and what do I get for all my work? No screeners and a new Xanax addiction. Thanks for nothing, FX.
I’m Sal Von Fletcher, damn it. I wrote the book on television criticism. When I was ten years old, I wrote an essay about gender politics in I Love Lucy in crayon on my kitchen floor. I’m not some intern at Vulture. I deserve some fucking respect. I’m tired of being made to feel small. This is Roger Ebert all over again. Jesus Christ Almighty.
Our review of the episode will be up sometime tonight or maybe tomorrow or maybe never, because what’s the point of anything anymore. We will be watching it at ten with you, because apparently that’s how the internet’s number one TV website is treated these days? How in the world am I supposed to be an impartial critic if networks do not give me special treatment? Instead I have to be a TV critic who watches TV when everyone else watches it? That is ridiculous. Why should the public listen to me if I’m just like them? Whatever, I’m so over this bullshit.