Last night on Dexter’s “Sunshine and Frosty Swirl”, Deb began her attempt at rehabilitating her brother upon finding out that he was a serial killer. When Dexter asked her how she knew what she was doing, she mentioned that she found it all on a website called “How to Cure a Serial Killer In Ten Easy Steps,” which was the name of this website before we changed it to the catchier and slightly shorter Electronic Hearth. Below is what used to greet you on the homepage back when we were www.
Well, we’ve all been there, right? You find out a close loved one is a serial killer and you want to set up a home rehab center in which you single handedly try to reverse years of psychosis and murdering? Well, you’ve come to the right place. By following just these easy ten steps, you’ll have your serial killer cured in no time.
1. FORCE THEM TO SLEEP IN YOUR BEDROOM WHILE YOU KEEP WATCH OUTSIDE- Your serial killer is going to want to get up in the middle of the night and explore his or her surroundings. You cannot let this happen, as they will probably murder somebody as all serial killers are wont to do. Force them to sleep in your bedroom while you keep watch on the couch outside. If your serial killer has a baby, don’t worry about him. Someone will probably watch the baby. Already have the sheets on the couch when your serial killer enters your home rehab so that they know you have given this some thought. Hope and pray they don’t just use one of the many windows in your bedroom to escape.
2. MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THEY CAN CALL YOU WHEN THEY ARE ABOUT TO MURDER SOMEBODY- Serial killers often don’t want to disturb their rehab officers/sisters with their pesky complaints about blood lust and wanting to kill millionaire interns. You need to make it clear to your serial killer that he or she can call you anytime any day and let you know that they really want to murder somebody. Trust is important. When you drive out to them, no matter how drugged you are, let them know how proud you are that they called you.
3. OVERCOOK THE PASTA- When making dinner for your serial killer, it is best to overcook the pasta so that he or she cannot focus on the blood-red spaghetti sauce. Serial killers by definition love spaghetti and sauce, as it visually reminds them of playing with someone’s innards. You must distract them as much as possible by making sure the food tastes terrible. Then they won’t have so much fun playing with their food, and you won’t be so freaked out.
4. DRIVE THEM TO MUDER EXCAVATIONS- It doesn’t matter what comes up, you must make sure that you drive your serial killer to the sites where he or she is supposed to help a convict find bodies he buried. If you allow them to drive themselves, they will spend their lunch breaks breaking into the millionaire intern’s home, giving them desire to murder some more. Please do not leave your serial killer alone ever.
5. DON’T LET THEM HAVE HEART-TO-HEARTS WITH YOUR GHOST DAD- Your serial killer is going to want to talk to your mutual ghost father about if it is truly possible for him or her to stop murdering people. Do your best to not let this happen, as your ghost dad has most likely time and time again reinforced and allowed for your serial killer’s violent behavior. Do this by constantly telling your serial killer that dad was wrong and that it is possible to change. Hopefully, this will stick.
6. DON’T LET THEM INJECT YOUR STEAK WITH SLEEP POISON- This is an important one. At your nightly meals, you mustn’t turn your back to your serial killer, allowing them to tranquilize your food. This is a common mistake that first-time serial killer rehab officers make. Also, you may want to make sure you take away all needles and tranquilizers from your serial killer anyway so that this kind of thing never happens.
7. IGNORE THE UKRAINIAN MOBSTERS TAKING OVER MIAMI- It doesn’t matter if you are a Lieutenant of Miami Metro Police Department, if Ukrainian Mobsters are slowly but surely taking over your city, ignore it. Focus all of your efforts on your serial killer instead. They need you as they go through this rough time. Instead, let your goofball underlings constantly raid strip clubs.
8. IF YOUR SERIAL KILLER ASKS TO BE LEFT ALONE FOR A MINUTE, LEAVE THEM ALONE- It is easy to forget that these serial killers are humans too, and that withdrawal is really hard for them. They are going to need some time to themselves to think about everything that’s going on and to dispose of the tranquilized body in their trunk. They may be embarrassed to show you the millionaire intern they almost killed, so, when they ask you to drive away and give them a moment, do so. They are only tying up loose ends.
9. DON’T LET THEM HAVE HEART-TO-HEARTS WITH JAILED MURDERERS- Possibly the most important serial killer rehab rule; you CANNOT let them have long talks about the nature of conscience and change with jailed murderers. You may think that the jailed murderer will inspire your serial killer to change, but most likely the jailed murderer will merely jump in front of a truck, showing how impossible it is to be jailed when your true nature is that of a murderer. If you do let this happen, do not drop the ice cream you are bringing your serial killer. They are going to need it to calm down from seeing all that blood on the road.
10. PUT YOUR ROMANTIC LOVE FOR THE SERIAL KILLER ON HOLD- You have most likely gone through a realization process in which you discovered your romantic love for somebody, only to find out that he or she was a serial killer in desperate need of being rehabbed. You are going to have to put those feelings on hold. I know it’s hard; you love this person and it turns out they are a cold-blooded mass-murderer, but it’s just going to make things more complicated. NOTE: This probably won’t come up, but if the serial killer is your adopted brother, you probably shouldn’t be in love with him anyway.
So there you have it, follow these ten steps and your serial killer will be cured in no time. Your serial killer is addicted to serial killing, and once he stops he will be “cured” for life, because that’s how addiction works. You’re welcome and good luck.