So everyone is ready for Halloween, right? It seems like everyone is taking it really seriously this year. I went to the grocery store to stock up on candy, candy corn, regular corn, hay, pumpkins, and several various colors of food dye and corn starch for the perfect shade of fake blood. But man was it a zoo there! From what I gathered though, people really had no idea how to stock up for Halloween. The most common items I saw purchased were (in no particular order): bottled water, batteries, bread, toilet paper, flashlights and candles. The flashlights and candles I can understand, since flashlights can be shined at one’s face for the telling of scary stories and candles come in handy for adding a good amount of chilling ambience to any Halloween party (also, a SPOOKY fire-hazard!). But batteries, bread and water? Is everyone planning to serve battery sandwiches with a side of water at their Halloween parties? Am I missing out on some new trend? That would make sense, since that does tend to happen to me a lot (I only recently hopped on the Furby bandwagon).
Allegedly, this is not because people do not know how to throw great Halloween parties, but because they are more scared of Hurricane Sandy then they are of what people will think if their Halloween parties are not mind-blowing. This is all kinds of fucked up, and extremely un-American. How often on All Hallows Eve can you start off a story by saying “It was a dark and stormy night…” and mean it with genuine sincerity? At least some people aren’t letting the storm get in the way of their spirit.
To help everyone get back in the Halloween spirit and to bail out you slackers with mixed priorities that put storms ahead of costume, we’ve compiled a user-friendly, quick fix for all your television costume needs. So don’t let the terrorists win, get out there and trick-or-treat. Although for those of you on the post-Sandy Eastern Seaboard, be mindful of the increasingly fine line between Trick-or-Treating and looting.
1. The Island (from Lost) – If the party has a sandbox, stand inside of it the whole time and yell things like “Don’t tell me what I can’t do” (this is even more applicable if you are in the neighbor’s children’s sandbox and they ask you to leave). If no sandbox is readily available, wear a bathing suit and pour sand over yourself. Extra Geek “street” Cred – cut off one of your toes to match the statue.
1a) Depending on the crowd of your party, this costume also functions as The Shore, from The Jersey Shore.
2. Streaker (from assorted Sports) – This may seem like a simple and easy to pull off, but don’t be fooled. While the costume is straightforward (Be naked), an amateur Halloweener could forget that someone dressed as a streaker is never allowed to not be running. The only time streakers are allowed to break from running is if they are tackled by a “sexy cop.” Statistics show the average party-goer runs between seven and nine miles during an average Halloween party.
3. Heisen-bird (from Breaking Bad, Animal Planet) – Want a boring, stupid Halloween costume? Go as Heisenberg from Breaking Bad. All you really need is a dumb hat and enough manliness to grow some questionable facial hair. But if you want a NEXT-LEVEL costume, you’ve come to the right place. Take your average Heisenberg costume, but here’s the kicker – add feathers and beak. Thank me later.
4. Brody (from Homeland) – There are two keys to the character of Brody on Homeland, and therefore two keys to a great Brody costume. 1) Gingerize everything– Brody is almost entirely defined on the show by his red-hair deformity. This should be obvious, but you’d be surprised how frequently it is overlooked. 2) Islamo-fascist ideology – Wear a turban.
5. Chair 2 (From The Voice) – “Roll up” to your party in any standard swivel-chair. Professionals will keep a Staples “that was easy” button in their laps. Whenever engaged in a conversation, slowly turn so that your back is facing whomever you are talking to. In the middle of a sentence, hit your button and dramatically spin yourself to face the person you are talking to, congratulate them thoroughly. Pro-Tip – practice spinning yourself using your feet so that it isn’t immediately obvious you are spinning yourself.
6. Joffrey (from Game of Thrones) – Lose the cloak and wand from your Draco Malfoy costume from last year. Purchase two female prostitutes (call ahead, you’d be surprised how quickly they run out on Halloween. Asks for whichever ones look the most like old souls). Yell things at them all night at the party. Take this as far as you see necessary.
7. Slim Charles (From The Wire and Chuck) – Dress up as a dweeby IT expert, now cross it with an oversized, drug-gang enforcer from Baltimore. There will be one (no more, no less) person, at the party who will get your costume without an explanation. You will either become their best friend or marry them. Be careful with this one.
8. Casual Pete Campbell (from Mad Men) – Wear normal clothes, comb your hair stupid, and put a “kick me” sign on your back. No matter what anyone says to you, respond with “A thing like that!” If you say anything else throughout the course of the night, you have failed and ruined the costume.
9. Not Penny’s Boat (from Lost) – Dress as anything. Whenever someone asks what you are, just show them your hand on which you have scrawled in sharpie “Not Penny’s Boat.”
10. The New Normal (from The New Normal) – Dress as your favorite character from Modern Family, now make it just a wee bit gayer. Pro-tip – Dress as your favorite character from The New Normal, but make it slightly straighter. Now you are the even more subversive “old normal.”
11. Richard Harrow and Gus Fring (Boardwalk Empire and Breaking Bad) – Make the right half of your face Gus Fring post-nursing home bomb, and the left half a maskless Richard Harrow post. For convenience, just make a hole where your entire face used to be. You’ll look pretty gross, but cultured TV experts will love it.
12. Franklin (Franklin)- Get a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume and get rid of all the cool bandanas and weapons. Wear gigantic red tennis shoes and be naive about stuff.
13. American Horror Story (American Horror Story)- Find any classic Halloween costume (witch, ghost, skeleton, etc), make it bisexual, add lots of blood and nudity, and kill Adam Levine.
14. Slutty Walter Cronkite (The News)- Wear big glasses, a suit, and tie and construct a fake news desk around your midsection. From the waist down, wear fishnets and high heels. Go around the party “signing off” by saying “and that’s the way it is” while showing your cleavage. This costume will also make your father cry.
15. Downton Abbey (Downton Abbey)- Using cardboard boxes, construct an elaborate replica of Downton that you can somehow wear (ask an adult to help you with scissors). Then comb your hair real nice to represent the rich people in the house and wear really gross sneakers to represent the help under the house. Stay put all night long, but constantly be in danger from scandal, war, and disease.
16. Michael Scott (The Office)- Wear a suit and tie, dye hair black, and carry a “world’s best boss” mug. Then leave the party half-way through. Make sure the party sucks afterwards.
17. The guy Landry and Tyra killed (Friday Night Lights)- Be bloody and wet from spending time in the river. Keep eyes closed and act dead. Don’t be surprised when everyone ignores you and pretends you never happened. That means you’re doing a good job.
18. Community (Community)- Have everyone at the party keep texting you different times for when it starts. Have them keep delaying you and delaying you. Never show up, but make sure everyone at the party really misses you. This one is good if you’re sick or strapped for cash.
19. Casper (from Casper) – Cut two eyeholes in a 700-thread count white sheet. Be really nice to everyone. Pro-tip – Wear birthday hat under said sheet to become K-K-Kasper. Be significantly less nice to everyone.
20. CBS (CBS)- Dress like your father, complain when things get complicated, and keep making spinoffs. Make sure everyone can tell how you are going to behave ahead of time and never be surprising. Make nerd and fat jokes. Somehow be the most popular person at the party anyway.